Wow, what a long, lazy day. I really did spend almost all of it on my back. I had a hard time sleeping – I have been worrying about work and income. Even as I type that now, I’m worried about it. I’m also worried about the pregnancy – obviously. Tomorrow I do another blood test and then should be able to talk to the doctor some more. I did however look up way, way too much on the internet. I read all about Placenta Privea, because I’m worried about the low implantation. But, then I thought about how the doctor said that it looked a lot earlier than 6 weeks. That being the case, I looked up why an ultrasound could be off from a known date of conception. This lead me to Blighted Ovum. Man, that is what I think I have going on…but then there was also the whole Tilted Uterus thing. So here is where I’m at in my current belief system: I fear that I have an empty gestational sac that is still causing me to secret HCG, therefore my hopes are up from getting positives on the sticks I’ve continued to pee on; however, the sac is either implanted low or not reading clearly due to my tilted uterus (which I was told that I have) so maybe there is still something there and it isn’t showing up clearly, or I am just due to miscarry as there is nothing there and my body is waiting for the HCG levels to drop and trigger the uterus to open and there we go. In the meantime, I’m exhausted! I mean like trembly exhausted. I have continued to have some mild cramping. Last night I actually had a sharp pain which sent me up to bed, but today, having taken it so easy, it was only mild at best. There is still a little discharge…nothing bright red still.
So in spending too much time looking at things on the internet, I really do feel like this is probably all of what I just described and now it is just a matter of time to have things go naturally. I’ve almost psyched myself into being done. It just was not good the way the doctor grabbed the photo printout and then said, we will talk Wednesday. It had a sense of fate to it that left me with a negative impression. So I read other women’s posts about their struggles with the same thing. It is heartbreaking – especially the ones by women at my age, where they can count the remaining possible cycles left to have a shot at it. I also know now of other women who are close to me each day and they too have had losses. And I know I haven’t been officially told that this is a loss…it just feels that way.
And, after watching some really gut wrenching videos of couples going for ultrasounds only to see the outline of a fetus that isn’t grown to the right size, that isn’t twitching, and has no heartbeat – well, that is super, super sad. I think, at my stage, a miscarriage at this point would be much more bearable than the ones I was reading about from various online sources. I also am surely super aware that there is simply not much that I can do – God is really in charge. It is a miracle that we conceived, really it is. So there is hope in that…and if that is the extent of this step forward, so be it. I know I can type that now and then my emotions can all change on a dime given whatever happens tomorrow. I know tomorrow might not provide any more clarity either. There is just a lot of wait and see.
Today my husband stayed home. He has been feeling sick again. He gets really bad stomach issues, which I know are connected to stress. Even though he is being a strong guy for my benefit (and I’m super grateful for that), I know that this is tearing him up. He wants this so much too and we simply can’t be happy….he has said that he is happy we were able to conceive on our own, but then the reality is that we are still in the midst of uncertainty and transition. I know that it is taking a toll on him. He slept throughout the day. I was on and off asleep too, but man if I wasn’t stir crazy. I had to go to work at 2:30 to do a little kid lesson…and this just leads me back to my questioning of how am I going to manage the job and feeling so weak and ill? As soon as my 45 min lesson was done, I sprinted for the bathroom as I was feeling sick – as in my lunch was not settled. I also started to cramp in the last 10 minutes. So, I left right away and came home to put my feet up and have my husband make me dinner. And that is where we are at.
People at work can see that I’m “off.” I explain that I’m really anemic – which is true. I want to put in some quality time there, I do – as I love what I do and it makes time fly. However, I just couldn’t do it today. Well, I did it for 45 mins. and then had to get back to calm and quiet.
So tonight we will have a nice dinner, I’ll try to make some homemade soup, and then we will try to sleep soundly. Tomorrow is another day and I’m just going one day at a time. There are cats to snuggle, journal entries to write, and a husband to appreciate.