Not going to be a mom…

this time, but hopefully still someday….

I miscarried today.

I was not sleeping well at all last night.  My stomach hurt really badly.  I came down to the couch at 2:30 a.m.  I slept a little and then when my husband stirred I decided to just get on with my day.  So I got up and took a nice long shower.  I made myself a yummy breakfast and then I cleaned the kitchen.  At 8:15 I went to work.  I was with one of my favorite team drills and doing a great class.  We had a nice turn-out and everyone was pumped for their big match tomorrow.  With about ten minutes left, I felt a sudden wetness and stabbing cramp.  I excused myself and went up to the bathroom.  I was dripping bright red blood.

I flushed and ran for a sanitary pad.  I had packed three just incase.  Now was that case.  I went back up and tried my best to take care of the mess.  I should have brought an extra pair of undies.  My black pants were okay though.  The cramping got worse and it came with some discharge of clots.  I pulled myself together and got some water.  Then I called my doctor’s office.  I left a message with the receptionist.  I said, “I think I’m having a miscarriage.  I have bright red, heavy flow with strong cramps.  There are some clots, but nothing else yet.”  The lady said, “I’m so sorry to hear this.  So sorry.  That does sound like a miscarriage.  If the blood flow is too heavy, please go to the ER.”  “It isn’t that kind of heavy.  I’m using pads and just going to the bathroom a lot.”  “Are you with someone?  Just in the case that you do need to go to the hospital?”  “Yes, I’m at work.  I’m doing okay.”  And, because I had planned for this to happen, I actually was doing ok.

The lady continued, “I’ll give the message to the nurse and someone will give you a call.” I thanked her and hung up.  The next thing I did was text my husband: “It is happening now”  sad face.  He knew what I meant.  He was quick to reply: “I’m so sorry babe.  Are you okay?  Do you need me to drive to you?”  I told him I was doing okay and that I was at work and just waiting to hear back from the doctor’s office.  He was just how I needed him to be – supportive, empathetic, and ready to be my hero.  As sweet as it would have been to have him sweep me up in his arms, I was also thankful for the distraction of work.

So I worked and did my best to be happy to those around me.  I didn’t dwell on things.  Sure a crazy cramp would stab me at times, but I just breathed through it and kept on.  I did indulge in a Diet Coke.  Then I was able to sneak away and get my blood tests done.  I guess I’ll have to do a few more tests too, just to see that everything is ok.  The cramping continued and I went to the bathroom again.

It was just after 1 p.m.  I could feel that something was kind of “stuck” in me and when I wiped, it came out in one big clump.  I’m assuming this was the gestational sac.  It was a different texture than anything else I’d seen, and it was a much larger thing, all intact, and despite the blood I could see little bits of white “pieces” in it.  So then it hit home.  This was the actual miscarriage.  So I teared up a little and then wrapped the little sac in the toilet paper.  Flushing it at work just didn’t seem right.  I snuck down the back stairs to the downstairs kitchen, where no one was, and wrapped that toilet paper in plastic.  After that, it was back to work – I had calls to make, schedules to coordinate, and various odds and ends.  I tried calling back to the doctor’s office, but just got a general voicemail box.  I didn’t leave a message.  I also called the fertility doctor’s office.  They were quick to give me some feedback.  They need to have my HCG levels zero out and I need to have a regular day 1, not the miscarriage bleeding, in orde for them to move forward with their testing.  They were very nice and I feel better knowing that they are so on top of things for me.

I left work at 5 p.m. and got home.  My husband was there and waiting for me with a huge hug.  I cried a little and we talked about the details.  He listened and was sweet as ever.  I’m blessed with him.

We are heading to downtown Chicago tomorrow.  He had a three day convention and I’m attending some of the courses that will benefit me in my work too.  Then we will have the evening to go out for nice dinners and just take in the sights of the city.  I’m also getting to see one of my sisters, so that is nice as I’ve missed my family at times since getting married.  Things change as we all get on with our individual lives, but I do miss them.  So, tomorrow I’ll have lunch with her and then shop for a bridesmaid dress.

Tonight I need to do laundry and pack.  I’m also going to take a nice hot bath, maybe it will help with the cramping.  I’m going to have some chicken noodle soup and just bask in knowing that everything will be okay.  I’m home with my sweet man and we are going to just let this settle and try again with the help of our fertility doc.

For what it is worth, I now have a much, much deeper appreciation for women who have had to deal with this, and especially if they have had to deal with it multiple times.  It is hard to make peace, but I’m trying.

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