I confided in a couple of close and well-proven confidants about what I was going through. I work with them and they have had to pick up the slack while I’ve been running off to doctor’s appointments and ultrasounds. I have really, really great people in my life. And the thing is, they want to be there for me. One of my co-workers had 3 miscarriages and all had to have D & C. There is nothing like having someone tell you how much they understand and empathize with what you are going through because, very sadly, they have been through it too. And so many people have been through this and more. I say people because it does impact the significant other and close family and friends too. I feel utterly blessed by having a significant other and close family and friends.
I am actually feeling blessed in a different way too. I’m blessed because after 18 months of trying and then having my cycle roll in each month, after hoping and praying, we actually got pregnant! It didn’t work, but maybe this means it will work at a point in the future.
I was looking through some pictures of me taken this past year. All my adult life people have said that I look younger than I am. I am currently 41. I told some of my team ladies that and they freaked out. They thought I was mid-thirties, if not younger. I am fortunate to have good skin, but even that has been tested by my Hashimotos. Look up skin problems related to Hashimotos and that is all me. However, I think that having a slow, slow metabolism and crazy low body temp (along with not being a heavy drinker) has helped to keep me looking youngish/er. In the pics, I can see my age though. There are the eyes looking more haggard and my chin is not as tight, nor are my cheekbones pronounced. It is inevitable – the march of time. But if people think I look younger than I am, God I hope my AMH (I think that is the name) test comes back with hopeful news. We will see.
So today I was up before 5 a.m. My husband had a convention in the city and I drove him to work to get a ride in with other attendees. I then went back home and finished cleaning, doing laundry, packing, and tending cats. I was out the door at 7:30 a.m. to get to work. I was on the court from 8-10:30. Those two and a half hours flew by as I was really just focusing on the players. Right as I finished at 10:30 I needed to get to the city too. I was meeting my sister (the youngest who works downtown) for lunch with her fiancé. I wanted to use the bathroom at work before my long drive and as soon as I was there, another really big sized bit of tissue came out, assisted by a rather stabbing cramp. It was enough tissue to fill the palm of my hand, the same size as what came out on Wednesday (yesterday, also at work). I have to admit that I touched it. I was curious if it was a clot or something else. I don’t think it was a clot. I was solemn, but not weepy sad. I have made my peace with this. But man did the cramping start up at that point.
I thought I was through most of that yesterday, but today has been a little worse. I think my muscles are already sore from yesterday, and now they are still at work and more fatigued. I think I’m also a little more lightheaded and wiped out. I haven’t had hemorrhaging, but it is still blood loss and I’m anemic to start. So, even despite these issues, I went to the city. I just wanted to be where my husband was. So I drove in.
While driving I got a call from my OBGYN. She apologized that we didn’t connect yesterday and asked how I was doing. I told her that I thought I was done yesterday but that I’m still getting clots and tissue. She asked if I thought that I needed to be seen right away and I said that I didn’t. She told me that in reviewing the bloodwork, my HGC levels were infact dropping, and should continue to do so, which they will test me for next week. She also said that my progesterone was really low. She explained that she was concerned by the ultrasound from Monday in that it was showing up as “Abnormal” to her. Therefore she believes that I’m most certainly miscarrying and she will do her scans, draws, and an exam to verify that I’m done and able to be released back to my fertility doc. She said that if the ultrasound shows material still in the uterus by next week she would suggest the D & C, but she is a believer in letting nature do its thing. She said what I’m describing sounds like my body is accomplishing things naturally so she will hope for that to be the case when she sees me.
She was very comforting and respectful and I do believe I’m in good hands with that medical team. So by the end of the call I was practically downtown. I found the place, found a parking garage, and found the bar. It was 11:50 and I ordered a drink. I’m not a drinker, but I figured….might as well. It was called a Chartruse Mule – very refreshing.
My sister met me and soon after her fiancé came in. We ordered and ate. I listened to them talk about wedding plans, work stuff, and their house hunt in the suburbs. They are cool people and I really do look up to my sister, even though she is the baby and I’m the oldest. She is a go-getter and she has a way of just making things fun.
We then walked to the bridesmaid dress boutique and I tried on dresses. I asked what we could do to plan for the potential of a baby bump should I get that lucky. Now that this pregnancy is over, anything that would happen in the next window of time will most certainly span her wedding weekend. Both my sister and the stylist were super nice and full of ideas. I ended up getting a strapless dress and we will check in April to see where things are at with regards to what size.
The fiancé had left us, so dress shopping was just me and my sis. I felt like I really wanted to tell her what I was feeling – what are sisters for if you can’t lean on them a little? We were walking over the Kennedy expressway and I said, “Can I tell you something even though it is sad?” She said sure. I said, “I’m going through a miscarriage right now.” “WHAT? NOW?” “Well, yes, it started yesterday and that was the worst. I’m not sure how far along I was because the ultrasound was abnormal, but I was pregnant, but now I’m not. It is what it is.” “Wow, oh my God….” and her sense of sadness was palpable. She told me that she was sorry and asked how my husband was managing. I told her he has been amazing. She told me that it is good news that I was able to get pregnant – true. She also asked if we were considering adoption. I explained that insurance gives us several attempts to try the fertility treatments and we were going to take it as I’m not getting any younger. If we tap out what insurance will cover, we will reconsider then. I’m all for it adoption, but I don’t know if I will be at 43 or 45. She was the way I expected her to be…strong, encouraging, and looking for the silver lining.
I left her and then made my way to the huge hotel and conference center. My husband was in meetings, so I just got my key at the desk and then went to the room – what a room! We are on the 30th floor facing to the lake and have a view of the river and Lake Michigan. I can see Navy Pier and the NBC building. I can also see the tennis club that I used to play at when I was in my early-mid twenties and working in Chicago. That feels like a lifetime ago.
Once I was settled in the room, I called my middle sister. I had sent her pics of the dresses that I thought she might like and we talked about their styles. I figured my youngest sis would tell my middle sis, so I went ahead and told her. It was almost the same thing word for word – it must be a sister thing…brain waves or something. Anyway, she was glad that I told her. Both of my sisters said if I feel like I want to talk about it, I should. Don’t keep it is secret if I am needing to share and connect with people as a way to work through it. They wanted me to know that they don’t care what the socially acceptable thing is in a situation like this, but they are my sisters and they want to be there for me….and that makes me want to cry out of gratitude and love…happy tears.
So I walked around a little. I love being in the city and seeing it with fresh eyes. When I was here all those years ago I had my job and the day to day stuff on the brain as I walked with the crowds. Now, without being creepy about it, I look at all these different people and wonder about their lives. I can appreciate that everyone’s life is hard…one way or another. There are different faces, men and women and younger ones too, and I try to see a story in their face, their hands, the disheveled or overly-put-together suit, their smile or lack of….we all have stories. We all can benefit from a world where we remember and respect that in one another. I’m trying to bathe myself in kindness, gratitude, patience and love right now. This is what I want driving my spirit.
So, now I’ll wait for my gluten free dinner to be delivered from Grub Hub. I hope that it works…I’m getting a little hungry. I love this view at night. The lights are amazing!