I had no idea what I was in for. This is day four of my natural miscarriage. I’m sure that I started losing the baby well before 1/27/16 when the actual bright red bleeding and painful cramping started. I also thought that since so many women (the stats say 20%-25%) miscarry in the first trimester I would get through this like a heavy, slightly messier period.
It is nothing like that.
Everyone is different, and I’m sure all miscarriages are different too. This one, for me, is all new. I’ve never been pregnant; I’ve never miscarried. I’m currently at a huge conference in Chicago with my husband. I don’t think I’d be better for having stayed home all by myself. Being with him, even while he is in meetings is comforting. I really do love him more than ever right now. I haven’t been as able to do too much. I think I’m feeling better, the bleeding and cramping slows at times, and then it will change in an instant. I wanted to get out and socialize. I brought make-up, high heels, and a cute dress. That isn’t happening. I’ve been to the drug store twice in three days to buy more pads. I feel lightheaded and get really dizzy at times. The cramps can get me doubled over and making that heavy birth breathing to get through the pain. I have no appetite. I think that might be the depression that I’m trying to ignore. I’m not drinking enough water, simply because I just don’t want to keep going to the bathroom and seeing red. I’m really tired of the red.
I’ve spent a lot of time reading about natural miscarriage, early miscarriage, coping with miscarriage. It is all heartbreaking any way you look at it. I’m sure that I’m just moving through the different stages of grief. It is amazing the power of my mind when the shit hits the fan. There is a part of me that is terrified and feeling hopelessly broken; then there is this higher self that puts things into slow motion and moves me through the fear, pain, and heartache. I’m not sure who that higher self is, but I like her and I’m grateful that she has a voice. I hear her now. “It will be okay.” I’m feeling some really powerful cramps, like when I was having the HSG exam, only there was a light at the end of that tunnel…this is just more of that same pain that I had Wednesday, Thursday, yesterday, and now today. But I know it will get better.
Yesterday I attended some conference sessions. I took copious notes and really paid attention. When the second session ended I flew up to the room as I felt dampness. Sure enough I was bleeding through the pad. I changed that and then decided to take it easy. I crashed on the bed. After an hour I felt better, and things appeared to have slowed.
I assumed that laying around was actually bad. I figured that I should be up and trying to get some oxygen in me. So I cleaned up, gathered my purse, and headed to the Mag Mile to check out WaterTower Place. I browsed and just meandered through Macy’s. Then I did something really bizarre.
I walked into A Pea in the Pod – a maternity store. Why? I don’t know. I thumbed through the racks of cute outfits and thought, well, this isn’t me. It wasn’t a sad thing and I didn’t cry. I think what concerns me is how numb I felt. It was strange, I know…but I did it. I’m glad the sales ladies didn’t talk to me.
So, because I was just in a funky mood, I decided to check out handbags in the clearance section of Macy’s. The Chicago stores always have so much more to look at than the ‘burbs. I ended up getting a really nice Calvin Klein purse at a crazy good price. Then I just walked along Michigan Avenue. I went to lunch by myself at Grand Lux Cafe. It is a really cool location with big windows and right across the street from my old office building. I ordered a gluten free pasta pomodoro. I barely ate it. While I was sitting there, I saw a woman who looked to be about my age, and definitely my size, sitting with a very young baby on her lap. Next to them was the tricked out stroller with all the baby gear on it. She was having lunch with a friend or sister. I just took it in. I was actually happy for her. I wanted to high five her and say, “Yay for you!” But, I just picked at my pasta with my fork, mostly just moving it around the plate. When I left, the escalator was broken, so I was walking down the stairs when I got dizzy. I just kept going. I figured I was close enough to Northwestern Memorial, that if anything happened, I’d be well taken care of. So, I made it out to the street and then hailed a cab. Even though the hotel was an easy walk, my cramps were horrible. I got back quickly and headed up to the room, and yes, I had gone through another pad. My packed supply was getting low. I cleaned up a little and layed back down. I actually slept a little.
My husband came in and said that he wanted to attend some social events. I was completely okay with that. He told me that I was looking a little pale. I know I must be. We are talking chunks and clots and flowing…it is pretty heavy. I guess I had just hoped I was done, or close to done. After reading information online it seems that this can go on for a while. I do want to stick by my doctor’s suggestion that I try to do the natural miscarriage, but I can see why women opt for medical interventions for sure. (Phew, big cramp…..oooooo.)
So I stayed in bed while he was out. Then around 7 he came back and we got ready to go to dinner with a friend of his from work. We walked in the windy and chilly air. The restaurant was great! We had a really pricey dinner. I ate a ribeye and some mashed potatoes. It was delicious, but I couldn’t finish it. Again, loss of appetite. We listened to the couple talk about all kinds of things and I just breathed through some cramps. I was down to the last pad. So on our walk home we made a pit stop so that I could get more “girl stuff.”
Soon we were back to our room and I was able to get cleaned up and snuggle in bed. Phew. But, I didn’t sleep well at all. I was awake and just listening my husband breathe. I thought about how lucky I am, even in a moment when I could dwell on the sadness of all of this. I need to keep on looking for the goodness that is around me.
When I woke up the morning, very early, I thought for sure I had soaked the hotel bed. But, it was only the pad. I just couldn’t believe that I was flowing as much as I was. My husband slept in, which he needed after such a long day. I was up a few times and thought that it was strange how much I was bleeding, but I had a new supply of pads, so I just toughed it out.
We both got ready and then he went to his sessions while I headed out for a walk. Again, I thought I should be up and moving around. I walked out by the river and just took in the day. I walked over to the movie theater. I was just going to see what was there. I decided to go see “The Big Short”. I got settled in and was watching previews when the first wave hit. I got up and ran to the bathroom. I was bleeding, like drips coming out as I sat there alone in the facility. I let it go, but then got back to the theater. My cramps were bad, so I just rode it out and kept watching the film. I had to run to the bathroom two more times. I felt bad for the one person sitting behind me. It was a 10 a.m. movie, so there weren’t many people there. As soon as the movie was over, I walked back to the hotel.
I got really, really winded from that. I was almost all the way back and on the lower drive when I walked past a man huddled on the bottom rung of a construction barrier. I walked past and then I swear there was this uncontrollable feeling that I should go back. I leaned in and said, “I don’t mean to insult you, but are you hungry?” He looked up and nodded his head. I grabbed a twenty and pressed it into his hand. “I hope that you can get something warm to eat.” I walked away choking back tears. I had singles, fives, and a ten, but this is the city and that doesn’t get you much. I knew I could give him a twenty because I could spend that very easily on my own lunch, but I’m not hungry, so why not let him eat? It is interesting that I felt compelled to help him and I believe it is because I have my angels with me right now. I’m going through tough stuff, so I don’t believe I’m alone as I sit here in my empty room typing. I think that I have my guardian angel, if not some more protectors and guides with me. I’m not an overly-spiritual person, but the only thing that I can say is that these powerful guides couldn’t let me walk past someone who apparently had so little. They turned my ass around and made me a means to provide some goodness and kindness.
I hope that the man does get some food. I hope that he feels a little better.
I came back to the room. No breakfast, no lunch, and more bleeding/cramping. I really should just go get a little something to eat. Maybe I’ll order room service. I really do want to see some of the sessions, but I think I’ll take it easy instead.
There is a big special event onboard the Odyssey or Spirit of Chicago (luxury yachts that can host private parties). I want to go to this with my husband. So maybe I’ll just tap a nap, drink some water, and see if I’m feeling up for it.
I wish that I was feeling better. I hope that I will soon.