Riding the waves of emotions

That sounds cheesy, but I’m leaving it because that is exactly how I’ve been feeling.  Thursday I got weepy.  I’m not sure what kicked that off, but I was just crying.  I know that I was worried about going to the doctor the next day, and I’m sure that I am just over tired and pretty anemic (but not so anemic that I need to do anything more than eat iron-rich food and continue iron supplements).

I have to admit that I do feel a little less womanly as I feel like I failed at something that would have moved me forward in my life.  I know that is just some of my angst creeping in and trying to gain a foothold over the processing procedure that I’m walking myself through.  I need to come back to the calm and wise part of me that is reassuring in that I’m going through something that a lot of other women go through, that I have great support, that I’m working with highly skilled professionals, and that if we are meant to be parents we will be – some how, some way, some day.

Anyway, Friday rolled around and I went into the office.  There was a couple that appeared to be older than my husband and me.  They were 20 weeks along and I thought that if they can do it, we can keep the hope too.  I waited a while longer and finally got called back.  The nurse was the sweetest lady ever, her name was Beverly.  She asked, “so what brings you in today?”  I said, “I had a miscarriage,” and with it started to choke back the tears.  She came over and just gave me a hug.  She said, “I’m so sorry to hear that.  I’m sure that people have told you a lot of things, but you need to know it is okay to cry and you should mourn the loss however you need to.”  She was just some sweet and saying what I needed to hear.  Her spirit was amazing – what a great woman!

Dr. S. came in and did the ultrasound.  There was nothing there.  So that was both good news and bad news.  Good in that she said I wouldn’t need a D & C.  She said I have the most normal looking uterus and my body took care of everything just fine.  Bad news, simply because….well there was nothing there when I had so briefly seen something before.  So, I was okay and told that my fertility doc was going to need a zero count HCG blood test, which I’ll do next week.  I really hope that we can get right back to trying, even though the thought of experiencing this again does scare me.

The doctor also suggested using protection so that we don’t run the chance of another natural pregnancy.  She explained that the quality of my eggs is the main issue.  Therefore, IVF is really the way to go.  This way everything at all the little steps along the way can be screened and checked.  So, that is now the plan: IVF only.

Now I’ll just be waiting for Day 1 of my new cycle and a blood test that says I’m not pregnant.  The hard part will be my patience.  I feel that ticking of the clock as I approach 42 this April.  Those frightening percentages will tip even more out of my favor.  I can only do what I can do….eat healthy, drink water, exercise lightly, sleep regularly, and pray that God will grant us such a wonderful blessing.

Friday evening my husband’s sister came over and we shared a late dinner.  After a while, he told her about everything that was happening.  She was sad and he teared up a little.  I kept it together at that point since I was pretty well cried out from the day.

Saturday morning I drove to my parents’ house and gave them the news.  We all cried a little together and then I went into the details about what the doctor had said.  I spent some time just visiting with them.  It was good and I really wish I could see them more.  I had known that it was going to break their hearts but I also knew that I needed them to know why my heart was breaking.  The one thing about my parents that I can always count on is knowing just how much they love me no matter what.  That makes me want to cry because I know the sacrificed that they have made for me and I’m truly blessed.  I want to be able to do right by them.  I would love to have happy news for them and hope that I will someday.

Today we are planning on telling my husband’s parents.  I know he will struggle with this, but like me, he needs their love and support too as he grieves through this.  He is a very, very sensitive man and he is certainly playing his role of strong and supportive husband…but he is also a man who wants to be a father.   Like me, we were so close to that goal of becoming parents, and then we lost it.  It hurts…it is as simple as that.  It hurts and we are hurting and we will heal together.

Today is our engagement anniversary.  I snuck out early and went to get him a cinnamon roll.  I also got us a single rose which is in an empty wine bottle.  Then I put some heart shaped chocolates on the plate with the roll and gave him a sweet card that I had picked out.  A little later I made us a more substantial breakfast of eggs, english muffins, Canadian bacon, and some grapes.  We just enjoyed a quiet morning.  There were geese on the river and critters scurrying about.  I soaked it all in.

So we are moving forward and I’m feeling better.  I still feel the pangs of the loss, but I’m moving on with life and keeping the faith that everything will be as it should be.

 

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