Rolling the dice

So to recap, on Jan 27th I had a miscarriage.  I had been doing all the work-ups for IVF, but that took us out of their monitoring and then set us back by a couple of months.  Now we are back to tracking a “natural cycle” and the test results have been better than expected.  My saline ultrasound was fine.  The possible fibroid and the potentially thick wall was not there.  The doctor was pleased by something that was just “normal” – and when facing reasons for nineteen months of not conceiving and then a miscarriage, hearing “normal” is great!

Another thing that showed up as normal was my AMH blood test.  I am at 2.61, which is “normal” (if not pretty damn good for a 41 – soon-to-be 42 year old).  After being in for blood tests and trans-vaginal ultrasounds every other day, we got the green light to try for natural conception.  Yes, in my patient portal messages it said “intercourse today and Wednesday.”

I called in since the OB had said that given my age, she would suggest IVF so that the embryos would have all kinds of screenings for quality and genetic problems.  I guess I just figured if the OB said abstain or use condoms, then that was the deal.

However, when I asked about it, I was told everything with trying to have a baby – at any age – is really a roll of the dice.  At my age, sure the eggs are older, but my AMH is decent.  So we are going to see what happens.  It is funny how when I was in my very late teens and early 20’s I really thought that if you had unprotected sex you would 1. for sure get pregnant and 2. end up with a VD.  Well, while that second point is entirely still true and dangerously possible; the whole getting pregnant thing is so crazy hard to achieve.  So many things need to be just perfect for it to happen.  It makes me think that my recent and distant ancestors must have been doing it all the time so that the gene pool made it this far.  Seriously, with all of that the human population faced in terms of struggle, it is a miracle we birthed generation after generation.

There is an interesting theory going around about how our Western food is really messing up our internal systems.  It isn’t as easy as going Gluten Free…as GF is all the rage now.  There is this idea that our immune systems were so tied to the bacteria in our guts that had learned to manage and thrive in our more natural state.  Now that we’ve overused antibiotics and have introduced all kinds of chemicals into the diet, our guts are a wasteland.  There simply isn’t a healthy bacteria system in place so we are leaking toxins into our bodies and that is messing with everything…and probably contributing to reproduction complications. Given that my personal eating habits are so discombobulated, it just reasons I’d have more medical woes than simply obesity – hence the Hashimoto’s thyroiditis, anemia, and whatever else I’ll discover.

Anyway, luckily for right now, my RE seems to thing that I’m pretty well situated to try for conception the good ole fashioned way.  Which would be okay if things were okay, but that is a story for another day.  Suffice it to say, the ole fashioned way really depends on both of us being able to get into that and I’m thinking that has not been the case recently.

I had read posts from other ladies explaining how fertility work ups can negatively impact a couple’s intimacy.  And….check, we are now part of that statistic.  It sucks – and it just compounds the viscous cycle of additional reasons our little angel may have to be created in a Petri dish.  I’m a heavy lady.  I am not so easy to flip and pose for the fun and carefree stuff people’s imaginations dream up as how it should be.  My body is not limber or agile.  I am not flexible and maybe that is all part of it.  But, where I used to have confidence – even despite my size – the shame and obvious disgust I sense is fast eroding the fun that used to be there.  I’m worried that this will fester and grow and our intimacy is looking rather bleak for the immediate future.  And what a hard, hard thing to talk about.

So even though we are in a green light for possibly starting a family with a much longed for and prayed for baby, this is just not easy and certainly not the stuff my imagination dreamed of how it should be.  Shit if we don’t all face that disappointment of fantasy versus reality.  I just wish that I wasn’t seeing so much of that disappointment on the face of my husband right now.  It is killing me and making me feel very distant from his heart, even when he says everything is okay.  I’m not sensing that and I just want to cry and hug a teddy bear.

I had been hopeful that my next post here would have been more positive.  After all, the tests are coming back with decent news and I’m feeling pretty good.  So, as I usually do, I’ll keep quiet and hope that things get better tomorrow, or the next day, or the next.  I just keep trusting that most of this is normal strife for a couple going through what we are going through.  So maybe we will be okay if we find a way to connect, even if it isn’t necessarily through physical intimacy.  I can hope.

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