Feeling pretty icky

I think I have the flu.  Saturday I had a bad fever and I was just miserable.  My throat had started hurting out of nowhere on Friday night.  I barely slept at all and then just got worse throughout the weekend.  Now it is Tuesday and I’m still missing work because I’m still friggin’ sick.  Unbelievable.  I have clogged ears, which are the worst!  I get dizzy moving my head or standing up from siting.  I feel like I want to throw up, but I can’t.  I’m drinking all kinds of fluid, so I’m running the bathroom all the time and that prevents me from sleeping too.  But sleeping is all I want to do.

Okay, enough about that.

This past Sat the husband went in for his blood test for genetic screening.  The 2 vials nearly caused him to pass out.  He was super white and sweaty.  Needles and blood – not his thing.  But he toughed it out.  Now we will wait for his results, then we will meet with the doctor and go forward from there.

In the meantime, we are not pregnant.  As least that is what the pee stick said yesterday when I did the test as I really wanted to know if it would be okay to take some more powerful medicine since I’m so sick.  I was hoping that we could have done it naturally, but that would have been too easy, right?

So now we wait…and wait.

On a totally different note, I woke up to the very tragic news about the attacks in Brussels. This is once again getting me to think about this world that I’m trying to add a life to.  I hope you don’t mind if I get a little off the subject of IVF here.

The pull between dark and light continues to make itself felt in our world.  Whatever one’s personal schema for processing the essence of humanity’s soul, I do sense we are continuing on some blind race into oblivion.  Humankind has so much potential as a self-aware species.  But it is that same self-awareness that generates so much hurt too.  Hate, jealousy, frustration, heartache, suffering…these powerful negative forces really do strike hard against the positive aspects of ourselves, most importantly, love.  I remember learning about the biological basis for human behavior in an anthropology course at UIUC.  So few species actually exhibit altruism.  We have the capacity to do that, but we are hard wired for the preservation of “self”.  That being what it is, the world is harsh, cruel, and dangerous.  It is also unfair.  There are people who have billions, don’t work, and complain about their theme for a million dollar sweet sixteen birthday party being gauche.  Then there are the silent saints who we may never hear about, who work hard, sacrifice greatly, and make the world a better place by just being the good souls that they are.  And then there are people who are consumed by fear and hate.  These people, very terrifyingly in our digitally connected world, link up and grow the fear and hate…fuel the fire of their angst and provide validation to one another that their outrageous desire and plans for evil are justified and necessary in a world that needs such repair or atonement.  Their energy, foul and corrupted as their agony has twisted it, becomes the nightmarish outcome of these terrorist attacks.  I remember the first time I heard about a school shooting: Columbine…terrible.  I remember seeing images of Buddhist monks dousing themselves in gasoline…like a level of Dante’s hell….I remember hearing about planes being hijacked, blown up over Scotland, or (more recently) used as bombs against huge skyscrapers.  The news continues to capture this growing hate and sometimes, I fear, that the perpetrators enjoy the media attention.  So today, as I had finally had enough of the non-stop news coverage, the experts weighing in, and the comparisons to all of the other tragedies, I turned off the TV and asked for a little light.  When I decided to plug back in, it was to check email.  I clicked over to Facebook and was greeted with a heart-warming video clip of a farmer who rescued a paralyzed baby bunny.  He used a small toy skateboard and a sock to give the bunny mobility.  It was awesome!  It was pure light.  And it was exactly what I needed in that moment, seeing a grown man nuzzle a baby bunny who was clearly enjoying the simple ability to move about freely.  There is always going to be the struggle between good and evil and light and dark.  Our life is an amalgamation of this contrast and we know the sunshine because we have come through gloomy tempests.  So, even as we move ahead with our plans to bring a new life into this crazy world, I hold out for hope.  It is hope for us to have a healthy baby, hope for the world to be a place where he/she will thrive and share his/her light, and hope that I can be a light too as there will always be struggles ahead.  I think the #1 way to combat against random acts of terrorism is to do random acts of kindness.  While nothing can replace the lives of those who were lost, and nothing can repair the physical and psychological damage done to the survivors, I can pledge to do random acts of kindness as a means of trying to balance the karmic scale.  I already know of a couple things that I can do, but the best is when an opportunity will just present itself in my life.  I’ve donated a lot of items to charities this weekend.  I have some other thoughts as well.  So that is my plan…I’m going to try and do random acts of kindness in honor of the 31 victims from today’s tragedy.  And my kindness, humankind’s kindness, need not be limited to or inspired by tragic circumstances…it can just be something that we strive to achieve each day…be a light in world as our world is hurting for that now more than ever.



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