Spotting & cramping…again

Saturday afternoon we heard from the doctor’s office.  It was 2:30 in the afternoon.  Two weeks ago they had called with great news.  Now it was to just let me know that the HCG was low (3082) and to call if anything changed.

So I called this morning when I started to see some brownish (old blood) discharge.  I had been feeling some more menstrual type cramping when I was trying to fall asleep last night.  It just felt like a period, but it wasn’t until this morning that I saw anything.

The nurse said it could all be normal, so I will keep the Wednesday appointment.

I admit that this is taking a toll on me.  I’m feeling really blue.  One week from today is my 42 birthday.  I am not happy about it at all.  Already I’m starting to run calculations in my head.  If I have to do a D&C, then I’ll probably be at June or July until we can try something again.  This puts me closer and closer to my 43rd birthday and my eggs continue to decline – which I’m sure is what is going on here.  I’m so sure that I’m experiencing another blighted ovum.  Even that word “blighted” is so dark in tone.  I wonder if I should try to work with a therapist.  I was so saddened by the spotting that I just couldn’t see out of my eyes.  I guess what I mean is, I was looking at the world but I wasn’t really in it.  I was just stuck in my broken heart and feeling very defeated…even though we still haven’t had any official determination.  Wednesday is an eternity away.  I’m trying to just do my normal day to day stuff, but it is not so easy and the web is just making it worse.

I know that I shouldn’t be wasting time and energy on looking at so many stories, but I can’t help myself.  I searched, “no fetal pole at 6 weeks” and saw post after post from mothers who said that nothing was seen at 6 weeks, and then they went back one or two weeks later and saw everything as it should be.  So few posts were from women saying that they indeed had negative outcomes from that.  I allow those posts to give me hope even though the women were younger, didn’t know their exact date of conception, and whatever other factors make each pregnancy so different.  I still don’t really have any pregnancy symptoms.  No morning sickness, no heightened sense of smell, no extra sore breasts.  I just feel like me, only sadder.

The husband has been supportive as always.  I know that he is sad too.  He has to be since he allowed himself be happy at the thought that this was going to work.  It doesn’t appear to be working….at least right now.

Anyway, I wish that I was in a better place.  I just need to get to Wednesday and then go from there.


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