Well, that didn’t go so well

We are waiting on the results of the HCG, but it really doesn’t look good.  There was a visible fetal pole, but it wasn’t showing any heartbeat.  It was just laying there still at the bottom of the gestational sac.  Moreover, everything is measuring much younger than where it should be.  So we are still in limbo.

But my heart has dipped a bit.  They were already discussing the D&C with me, insomuch that they would want to biopsy things to have a clearer view of what is going on.  This will set us back even more, but maybe help us as we try again.

When I was waiting for the ultrasound, this lady came flying out of the blood test room and locked herself in the main reception area bathroom and wailed away so loudly.  She had just snapped.  I have no idea what stressors she was experiencing, but she cried and screamed and slammed things in there.  I just sat quietly and felt bad for her.

When they called me back I could feel my heart thumping away.  I was nervous and hopeful, and completely prayed out.  I have prayed so hard and so much.  I think despite the racing heart, I was just numb.  The sonographer  started and the sac showed up, it was measured and hadn’t grown much.  She said 6 w, 2d.  Then she found the fetal pole.  It measured 3.2 mm.  I’m not sure what that should indicate, but she mentioned that she didn’t have a heartbeat.  Just the image of it there, so still and at the bottom of the sac, it looks dead to me.  The technician was very stoic.  When she finished taking pictures and doing measurements, she printed a pic, but she didn’t give it to me.  Not a good sign.  She said, “Take a deep breath and try to have a good day.”  Then she left me.  I was alone in that room and just wishing that the story had played out the way that I had hoped for, not this said and not-looking-good way.

I went out to the nurses station and just followed up.  She too was all stoic too.  She said that we will have to wait and see what the blood test shows.  She images I may still have one more ultrasound, but if the HCG is low maybe not.  She explained that there may still be something that shows up.  Even as she said that I really doubted it.

So I left, got to the car, called the husband, and I haven’t really cried.  Not yet.  I’m just so disheartened.  I will still pray for a miracle – whether it is with this pregnancy or the hopeful outcome of a future one.  I know my patience is being tested…but it is just really hard.  Mother’s Day is coming up and I was so hoping to be in a different place for that.

Anyway, I need to get on with my busy day.  My husband and I are leaving this afternoon for a couple of days away.  It will be so nice to have time for just the two of us.


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