Midnight Meltdown

Man did I have a rough night last night.  I think I had a moment of panic with regards to just being WAY overworked and MEGA sleep deprived.  We are just rushing hard-core to the finish line and with that, I feel like I can’t keep up.  Whenever I stop doing whatever I am working on five million other little things to be done immediately come into play.  I’m breaking finger nails, getting scratches/cuts/bites, and my stomach is a mess.  It is all sheer upheaval and at around midnight, when I couldn’t even lay down in bed due a cat being there, I just lost it.

I was so tired, feeling like I couldn’t catch my breath, and fed up with being surrounded by unorganized, half-unpacked crap everywhere.  I seriously wanted to just get in my car and drive to a quiet parking lot and sleep there.  I don’t feel settled, not even close.  So there was a part of me that just wanted to find some peace and quiet.

But when I realized that I couldn’t do the drive away, when I felt that my anemia was seriously limited my energy to just plow through hours on work on end, when I couldn’t still my thoughts I just started crying.

Sure a lot of it is just straight up stress.  But I had almost forgotten my birth control pill, and when I went to take it, my hands were so shaky that I popped one out and lost it somewhere.  So I popped another out and then just started to cry.  I feel like we aren’t going to be in a position to comfortably get this place in order for a kid.  So I had a mini panic attack.  My heart was racing, I couldn’t take a deep breath, and I felt like I was dying because something was just very wrong.

Well, the cat moved, and I decided to come back to bed.  Our bedroom is the most unpacked of everything in the house and we are doing pretty well at keeping it clean and quiet there so that the 17 year old cat has a sanctuary amid all of our shenanigans.  So I was able to read a while and finally turn off the light and go to sleep.

When I woke today I felt better and together my husband and I worked our way through boxes of unlabeled stuff.  We went one box at a time and made little piles of things that we could donate, toss, and bring into the house.  I feel like I am parting with many things.  I gave a lot of it to work.  I also plan on selling a lot things in a massive teacher garage sale.  I need a little more time to go through those things and really get a handle of what is going to be sold.

But, as we worked through boxes, I felt like we were making progress.  I can’t wait for our garbage day on Friday.  We will be able to get rid of a lot and that will feel good.  I also will appreciate picking up a full size mattress and box spring so that we can get the 4th guest bedroom set up.  That will be a nice little retreat.

Anyway, the move (as I am sure everyone experiences) is simply exhausting.  Lump the fertility stuff and anemia with it, and no wonder I finally had a meltdown.  Sorry for the rambling, but I just needed the writing to help calm me down.

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