Taking Estradiol and waiting

Last night I was super emotional.  I had a crying spell and I don’t know if it was because my husband hurt my feelings or if it is the estrogen pills?

I stopped taking birth control a little over a week ago.  Last Saturday I picked up even more fertility meds at a nearby specialty pharmacy.  I realize now, like an idiot, that throughout our moving the medication sat in my hot car.  I hope the medicine will still be effective.  It is the progesterone oil shots, the progesterone vaginal suppositories, the estradiol, and the baby aspirin.  I now have the big bag of stuff in the house and it is supposed to be stored under 77 degrees.  I know my car was way, way, way hotter with all of the summer weather we have had.  Fingers crossed….yikes!

Anyway, I started taking the estrogen 6 days ago.  It is 2 pills for both morning and evening.  I can’t say for sure that I notice anything.  However, last Tuesday I got a very heavy period.  What a bummer as I had just had a heavy period 20 days earlier.  It was also less than a week after having the iron infusion, so now I am worried that I have lost some of the benefits of that treatment.

Anyway, I go back to the doc on Monday morning.  Maybe I am just over-tired, stressed out, and hormonal.  I have yet to sleep through the night.  I think I am a worried mess.  I guess I am worried because of money, my job, and feeling like I am distant from my husband as we are both digging out from the move.  He made a snarky comment about how we never have sex anymore.  There is truth in that.  I has been over 2 months.  I have been feeling like garbage though…the stim shots, the egg retrieval, the OHSS, the bleeding…I have been so out of commission.  But, this is what we need to endure if we are going to try and have a kid.  There was a swipe a while back about how my fat and clumsy cat takes after me.  There have been comments about my not having enough money in the home buying equation.  There have been the disapproving looks at my body and questions asked of it was going to wear something.  Then in the past 18 days, I have spent over $800 on food for all of the various family and helper people that have been to the house.  Yesterday I didn’t make him a lunch for work, so he didn’t eat anything all day.  He is a grown man with cash and a car, so he could have gone to get something – he didn’t.  Anyway, he came home and worked outside for a while.  When he got in, we agreed to order some pizza, but we didn’t know where to order from.  The whole ordering thing drew out too long for his patience and while I was on the phone repeating myself over and over again to the girl who couldn’t hear me because it was loud there, he snapped at me.  It was a nasty tone with an f bomb.  I was so shocked.  Then I was hurt so I tried to explain that the girl’s inability to hear was not my fault and no reason for yelling at me and he then snapped again at me.  I disappeared.  I went and worked other places in the house and when the pizza arrive, I paid for it, set it on the counter, and walked away.  I was so hurt.  I let all of the other insults and injuries from the recent past wash over me and that was it.  I was in an emotional spiral.  I couldn’t believe this guy who has been my hero in so many ways could be so oblivious to all that I do (things he knows about, things he takes for granted, and things he never sees) was being so selfish, childish, ungrateful, and unsympathetic toward me.

I didn’t want to go to bed mad, so I finally came back into the family room where he had spent the better part of 3 hours laying on the couch and watching TV.  Right away he said sorry and that he had wanted to say it earlier.  So, I said okay and that we should just try to go to sleep.  This morning, we are both better…but man if I didn’t cry my eyes out last night.  I also think how in the world are we going to try and add a baby to the equation when he and I still seem to have some unaddressed issues.  He little jabs about weight, sex, and money are actually highlighting a bigger issue (I believe).  So, I will just dig in and work, work, work.  That is how I cope.  I throw myself into work and hope that time will heal all.  Sometimes it does.  Right now, I don’t think it is.

Sorry for the venting.  I am just really emotional.

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