More estradiol

I went to the doc yesterday morning and the lining is not quite where it needs to be just yet, so I have had my estradiol increased.  Now I take 3 pills in the morning and 3 more in the evening.  I can’t say that I notice anything much other than a headache, but that could just be the heat.  We haven’t even hit the major part of the heat yet.

So I didn’t go into work yet today.  I will probably get out there tonight and then I may try to get a sub for Thursday.  We are in the make-up week, so maybe we won’t have a lot of people out for class.  I t just have really hit an emotional low lately.  I really believe it is a combination of the medicine and the anxiety over the move.  It has been crazy going through the unpacking process.  We are continuing to make our way.  The front room remains be empty for a future kid.  It is so strange to imagine that happening.  I think my coping mechanism of not allowing myself to believe in our IVF being successful has taken over.  I am so afraid of another miscarriage.  So, so afraid.  The 2 week wait, the first series of ultrasounds…all of that is really daunting.

We aren’t there yet.  We need to just keep plugging away one day at a time.  There is so much to do with each day.  I am feeling like our house is still going to be a lot of work to get it feeling like home.  We need to just keep doing little bits each day.

Two days the husband asked me why am I not nice to him anymore.  I didn’t know what to say at first.  Then I told him that I am still really over-tired.  Not sleeping through the night is so crazy. I also said that he constant judging, nit-picking, criticizing, and disapproving of me has really taken a toll on my ability to feel like I can just be happy around him as I just feel like I am constantly screwing up and not appreciated for anything.  So we have hit that strained part of marriage in less than 1 year.  Yikes!

Yesterday we went grocery shopping together and then he grilled some dinner for us.  We snuggled and just relaxed together.  That made a big difference!  We were very content together yesterday.  Finally, we had some time for intimacy and that was good.  We needed to just have a night without any pressure to get stuff done.

It was a much better night than anything we have had yet.  It made me feel more confident in us navigating this transition together.  Our lives have changed so much in just a couple of years, and hopefully we will have some more change come our way too soon!

So, that is the update.  More estradiol, doctor appointment Saturday morning, then starting shots and suppositories soon.

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