Yesterday, I went in for the BHCG blood test (along with other ones). That was at 9:30 a.m. Then I went to work and made sure to focus on the various tasks at hand so that the day passed by without me feeling the tick tick tick of the clock. It was good to be busy. I left work early at 2 p.m. because I forgot to bring my medicine with me. I got home right away to do that, then I went into what would be the baby’s room and sat in my comfy chair. I prayed while sitting there. It was strange because I knew the phone call had to be coming soon and I was suddenly overcome with anxiety and the intensity of wanting a positive result so much. For most of the day, I had not let myself get to that jittery and heart-racing state, but sitting there and having the quiet to really pray and say that I hope it works, but I that I would also be okay if it didn’t as I trust that what is meant to be will be….well that is when the emotions washed over me like a tidal wave and I was suddenly drowning.
And, just when I was feeling like I couldn’t stand that pressure a moment more, the phone rang. It was the doctor’s office and one of the really nice nurses there who was with me the day we lost the 2nd pregnancy on my birthday. She said in a really sweet voice, “we have your blood test results.” The way she said it was so soft and nice that I swear she was bracing me for bad news. I took a breath and was ready to hear the next part, but then she said, “your test was positive, congratulations, you are pregnant!” I gasped and squeaked back an “oh my gosh, that is amazing, thank you!” I was immediately choking back tears and trying hard to keep it together. The nurse went on to tell me that we will repeat blood work on Wednesday morning, then plan for an ultrasound next week. She told me that I need to make sure I keep up with drinking water, continue all of my medications, and limit caffeine (which I was doing already). I was so dazed that the IVF worked on our 1st try…well worked as far as having an embryo implant. I know we still have many hurdles to jump before I can say we did it. According to a 5 day FET due date calculator we should get to the finish line around April 16th, 2017. That is when I can really claim that we were successful. Right now, we are so very early in the race that a lot can still happen.
As soon as I hung up I sat in the silence of the empty house and just looked out the window to the pretty trees in the front yard. After about a minute I burst into tears. I was crying very hard and saying “thank you God.” I have never been outwardly religious, but in that moment of being so shocked that the embryo implanted, I could only think it was a true blessing. I do not take the positive result lightly and the fear of all that can go wrong (as it has gone wrong in the past) still lingers in the air. I am not rushing out to the store to buy baby things, as I did before. I had bought one of those little chalkboards that you write where you are in the pregnancy and take pics each week. It was awkward returning that as I never even used it. It was like as soon as I wanted to let myself believe that the 2nd pregnancy was going to work was just when the blood tests and ultrasounds started to show that it wasn’t. Even though we did the genetic screening on the embryos there can still be problems, so I don’t want to allow myself to get too wrapped up in the hope only to be heart-broken again. That is the difference between someone like my sister who conceived, had two typical pregnancies (and a 3rd with an IUD in her), and basked in the excitement of it all versus women who have to restrain that boundless enthusiasm due to their previous losses weighing on each moment. It is the difference between looking forward to hearing the heartbeat at an ultrasound appointment versus worrying that there will not be a heartbeat to be heard. I have the best ultrasound tech…she is really sweet – but I do walk in there with trepidation as things with the previous pregnancies were always “inconclusive” (which is code for “not right”).
But little frosty #4 here is not those previous pregnancies. He is THIS pregnancy. So, for him and me, I need to stay in the moment – not be pinned down by fears haunting me from the past or race ahead in hope for some rose-colored future. This is where my interest and practice of Buddhism may prove helpful. I need to re-read some of my favorite passages that really reinforce the concept of staying in the here and now while also detaching from the ego. If I can do that, eat healthy, take my meds and vitamins, and sleep soundly I will be doing the best that I can for the both of us.
Oh, so how did I tell the husband? I think it was cute.
I was sitting there in the room that we will make a nursery. When we toured the house it was an office, and he wanted to make it an office again. I thought that we need a baby’s room on the same floor as our master though. So the room had remained empty except for the chair. I heard him come home and called out, “Babe?” He answered, “Where are you?” I replied, “In the front room.” I was careful to not call it the baby’s room or office. He came in, and I was still teary eyed from the crying I had done. I was holding my teddy bear that I have had since I was a baby. I was leaning kind of forward in the chair and hiding my face behind the bear. He asked, “Is everything okay? Did you hear from the doctor?” I answered flatly, “I just got off the phone with them. But you are going to be sad.” I paused and he stood there quietly. I then picked up after a beat with, “because you won’t be getting this room for your office.” Then I didn’t say anything else as it sunk in. He smiled. “I’m pregnant. They said the blood test was positive. This will hopefully be the baby’s room.” He wrapped his arms around me and kissed me on my head. It was a sweet moment.
We then decided to drive over to his parents to tell them in person as they knew we had that test that day. When we walked in the door his mom asked right away, “any news?” He just thumbed my way and said causally, “Yep, she’s pregnant.” It was much more cut and dry than how I would have done it, but it was his family to tell and they are cut and dry, tell it like it is. I called my parents (dad was at work, mom was home). My mom cried a little with happiness. Then his sister came over to have dinner with us but his mom had already told her, so my cute idea was shot. Oh well.
Okay, so I am going to get on with my day. Hoping that “Four” is doing well and I do all that I can to ensure he has what he needs to thrive.