A little “back”slide back into more back pain

It is 4:30 in the morning and I am wide awake from a little tickle cough.  Coughing and sneezing are THE WORST right now because I am almost right “back” where I started with this horrible back pain a week ago.

It seemed like I was getting better so I went to work, ran errands, taught a little tennis, I did things…but now I can barely walk again.  I figured I would be better, but I am far, far from it.  I could cry right now, but the journaling will be my coping mechanism.

I have looked this up online and there are plenty of threads about just straight up bad back pain at this early stage.  However, I was certain that my bad back pain was due to my allergic reaction to the PIO shots.

What if….and it would be crazy bad timing…..

What if this is not tied to my shots, what if my back is just doing that “early pregnancy bad pain” thing that I see in those threads?  That would SUCK…because that means despite being a week out from not having the shots in my butt that seemed to be causing the flare up, there is no end in sight for this sciatica.  I could be like the women who posted on those forums and just be cursed with incredibly bad back pain.  Shit!  One lady used a walker for her entire pregnancy and 3 months post delivery.  Another lady would go to the hospital for IV morphine…can you really do that?

I bought a pregnancy belt/velcro girdle thing.  I was hoping that would make me feel better by just holding me in tighter.  The regular back brace I had tried sat very high and was uncomfortable.  Then I bought a different preggers belt, no good.  So I am on to my 3rd support and hope that maybe it can do magic.  So far, not really.

My husband thinks I am working too much for even the little bit that I am.  I am so terrified of having this take me out of my on court hours that I really want – and more importantly – need.  How else are we going to pay for this place?  I MUST work…I do not have short term disability or paid leave.  So I am praying that my boss will be patient and understanding about my level of pain and limited ability to be up and about a lot right now.  She had excruciating back pain and surgery at one point.  I think she knows what I am dealing with.  The timing is just terrible though as there is a lot to do at work.

The thing is, the one time that I had back issues from the crazy kettle ball workout over ten years ago, it went away and got better each day.  I did not have a set-back.  This is so crushing because I feel so bad again.  I feel like I should and could be at a hospital just so that they could knock me out, give me food through a tube, have me relieve myself through a tube, hook my legs up to the blood circulation pumps, and then wake me up in a couple of weeks to see how I am doing.  That would be amazing!  Hopefully #4 would grow without any issues and I could get some decent sleep.

I had a dream about high school band and in it I was getting ready to play my trumpet.  I took a deep breath and then started coughing.  The cough came through to the real life, sort of sleeping me, and man if I didn’t wince and wake up nearly in tears.  I don’t know if I can take a cough suppressant…just as a preventative for that pain.

This straight up sucks.  I tried to talk to my mom about it yesterday.  She has had back issues and surgery for her messed up lumbar region.  It didn’t go so well.  She told me that I need to get through it (which I am obviously trying to do) and that when she was hurting…yada, yada….I get it.  She has suffered with chronic pain forever….but I didn’t want to be one-upped at that time, I wanted a little consoling and understanding.  I feel very alone in this.  I feel like because I am not showing some visible proof of how bad this is I must come across like a hypochondriac wuss.  I really do wish there was some other way to get relief.  The heating bad doesn’t seem to be doing it’s thing anymore.  I just hurt no matter what.

I am afraid to do acupuncture and/or a chiropractic adjustment.  I know people who could do both for me, but I just do want to do something that would jeopardize #4, and that is my highest priority.  So I can pray about this, which I hope helps.  I can try to walk a little and more slowly so that maybe things don’t seize up.  But, I think I just need time…and that is something that I don’t feel like I have.

Speaking of time, I just nearly peed myself…couldn’t move fast enough to get to the bathroom.  This is a real struggle right now.  I need to trust that we both me and #4) will come through it, that people who genuinely care about me will trust that I am not embellishing this suffering (as I am most certainly not), and that #4 will continue to grow despite the other things going crazy with my body.  I am so, so hopeful for that.

I guess I can’t really type much more.  I will try to sleep again.


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