The waiting in-between…

It is a humid Monday night.  I was on the court from 9 until 5, with a couple of breaks.  I did good, despite the oppressive heat.  I don’t have any news on the baby front.  I am keeping up with the medicine and vitamins.  I continue to have a little discharge throughout the day- nothing red.  I have been overly tired and sure do enjoy little naps when I can get them.  My breasts are a little sore, and maybe I have had a little dizziness, but other than that I haven’t had a lot of symptoms.  It has just been a week of getting through.

We finally brought my 2 five year old cats to our new house.  They had been at the in-laws since we listed my husband’s place, which I believe was four months ago.  They had a nice time at the in-laws.  My mother-in-law was home often and spent a lot of time with them.  They had someone to sleep with them and someone to play the “wake up early in the morning and feed us now” game.  It was a pretty nice arrangement considering that they had previously been shut away in a room each night.  Now that we have bedrooms on two floors, this will hopefully be better for them.  Now my husband’s senior cat can sleep with him on the first floor, while I can go upstairs to snuggle with my kitties.  I did this the last few nights and they were both very affectionate.

This brings me to what I thought about while being kept awake with the two fur balls.

I have had these sort of out-of-body moments where I step outside of my ego and just look at everything that has happened in such a short time and it feels like I am living a life that I didn’t really believe I could ever have.  I keep returning to a time not too long ago when I was hopelessly single, struggling to live with optimism and happiness, and had written off the idea of ever being a mom.  It is easy to feel like this is some long-lasting dream.  It is also easy to stay cautious and guarded in not letting myself get wrapped up in the idea that this time our little embryo could really go the distance.  I am still eating healthy and doing everything that I should be doing, but I am not taking those cute week by week pictures, picking out baby furniture, or allowing myself to buy adorable baby things in advance of knowing we are across some safer threshold.  I honestly don’t know where that threshold is – it might not be until the kiddo is five years old.

All of my moments of thinking about this pregnancy and the life that I so wish to see come to fruition are tinged by fear.  We have had such awesome and frequent monitoring with the fertility clinic, and now that I am getting ready to transition back to the OB, where I haven’t been since the 1st miscarriage, I am just worried.  I couldn’t get an appointment until week 10.  So I will have an ultrasound this Wed., and then I have to wait 3 weeks to see if everything is okay again.  That seems like an eternity!  I don’t want to be a hypochondriac pregnant lady, but I want to know that everything is okay when I am feeling off or having warning signs that were there before.  So this waiting will have to be something that I just ride out.

Again, I really pray that we see the progress that we are supposed to see on Wednesday.  I wish that I felt a little more preggers.  I hope that I can get through the stress at work too as I have a lot coming at me right now and that will be a struggle as I just don’t feel so great.  Fingers are crossed and prayers are being said.


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