The in-between week

So a week from today we get another ultrasound, and as of tomorrow it was a week ago that things looks okay enough to release me from the clinic.

I don’t really feel anything.  I continue to take the Endometrin 3x a day (I spread it out over 8 hours for even dosing).  Then I do the Estradiol 2X a day.  My breasts have had moments of being tender, but for the most part I am just tired.  I love my naps, although that seems to be catching up to me with the work scene.

I wish that there was a sense I had that everything is okay.  I haven’t had any morning sickness, dizzy spells, or food cravings/aversions.  That makes me worry that my hormone levels are still low.  I have not had any spotting or cramping either – which is good.  I guess I feel bloated through the lower abdomen, but I am heavy as it is, so that area is always poochy.

Two nights ago I had an amazingly wild, vivid dream.  It started with my sister-in-law and me walking a little puppy through a strange bog.  The puppy kept splashing into the water, which frightened me because the edge of the bog was so thin and I was afraid that I would drown trying to save the little guy.  Somehow, we all made it and when we came out of the bog we were next to a Chevy car dealership.  She went in and bought a brand new car on a whim (which she would never do in reality).  Then we started to drive and somehow picked up my dad and my niece.  We were in some urban area that I didn’t recognize, then we crossed this crazy cool and really long bridge which came to an end center of a half-circle of a wheel type city-island thing that was all multi-story tall architecturally stunning complexes built out on really long piers.  We drove out the spoke that went straight ahead from the main bridge.  The spoke to our right was this really cool take on a famous building I’ve seen in Chicago.  The water went right up to the edge of the place and all of a sudden my niece was telling me that it has apartments, restaurants, and offices there.  The spokes are built out over water so that the water helps to power the complex.  The spoke that we were on had a very large complex in the middle and roads down either side.  We drove down the left side and took in these massive glass atriums that were full of trees.  There was a large cathedral with a huge steeple up ahead, which reminded me of Cusco.  Then behind that was a really modern museum full of all kinds of space relics.  We did a slow drive by there to see different outdoor displays.  Then we drove back along the other side toward the bridge.  I suddenly became aware that I was dreaming and started to analyze this location which caused me to wake up.  When I woke up, I wondered if the baby was influencing the dream.  Maybe I was seeing something through his awareness, because it was so vivid and so real.

So the dream is cool.  The reality is not so good.  Work is not going well.  Today we had soaring heat and humidity and I was out there in it.  Even though I didn’t hit, I was dripping and feeling drained.  I got my administrative stuff done and wanted to take off early, like 2, so that I could get home and take a nap.  I wasn’t able to get any naps all weekend long, and I had worked super hard on house stuff yesterday.  I spent half of my Saturday doing work and the other half for my sister’s wedding shower, where my mom started telling people that I am pregnant. Sunday I did more stuff at work and was gone most of the day.  Monday was rough in that I really wanted a lazy day, but the husband was on a tear to do all kinds of house work.  This had me doing garage purging with the mother-in-law until I was yawning so hard I was shaking a little.  So I powered through the long weekend with few naps, not enough water, and frustration coming at me from all kinds of directions.

I was hopeful that my boss would be understanding that I have put myself through a lot to get to my 9th week of pregnancy.  This road has been long and has had me missing work for the many doctor appointments, blood tests, and various commitments that come with IVF and the two previous miscarriages.  I continue to think she cares enough to grant me the flexibility to do this and see it through to a successful outcome.  However, lately, that has not seemed to be the case.  I am getting little comments here and there that I am not around enough, that my life is better than hers, and so on.  I the past 18 months I got engaged, planned a wedding, got married, took a honeymoon, sold my house, sold the husband’s house, began fertility treatments, got pregnant twice, had two miscarriages, bought a house, moved, have had a terrible allergic reaction to medicine that caused me to be immobile for about a week, and continued to work throughout all of that.  My players are happy, the programs are doing fine, and I continue to be able to do the things that I am responsible for.  So I just hope that I can manage the stress that work has been ramping up on me.  I need to be able to grab a nap here and there and still teach the evening classes that I have too.  None of this is easy.  I am not sitting around eating bon bons.

Bon Bons sound really good right now.  Well, time to go.  I need to get some more chores done.

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