I just got back from the doctor and things appear normal. She did a pelvic exam and the cervix is still closed. She was going to listen to the heart, but once again the little guy was hiding and so she did an ultrasound and played the heartbeat for me to hear. She said everything is looking great. The placenta is still in a good spot. The baby was moving around and kicking. He had his hands in front of his face like he was playing peak-a-boo. The doctor told me that there was no rhyme or reason for the bleed. She said that some women bleed all throughout their pregnancy and I may have that, there is just no way to know. She said I am going to stay on pelvic rest – which I have already self-imposed for a while now. So I will be getting back to work tomorrow.
I have been nervous about work as it is highly stressful there. It always has been and I have always weathered the stress no problem. I just worked harder and longer if I needed to. Now I really need to let my body tell me when I have reached my limit. That is how it has to be.
Last night I dreamt that I was bleeding from my head and no matter what I did it wouldn’t stop. It was running down my face and staining my hair. This past Friday’s bleed is still getting to me days later. I will be sitting still and be afraid to move because I fear I will gush. I also feel like I am bleeding, but it is just my imagination. So I will just try to stay as calm as I can, which isn’t very. I worry so much and the idea that this could happen at any point again doesn’t ease my anxiety. Even without bleeding, I would still worry. I am old, I am overweight, I have anemia, thyroid, digestive, sleep, and heart issues, and I have not had any positive results from our attempts yet. I just need to chill, but it is asking me to relax when my brain is on overdrive.
I appreciate and understand women who are like me: reeling with worry and haunted by the heartbreak of past sadnesses. It seems so hard to just surrender to faith and trust that what is meant to be will be. Sometimes what we want to be isn’t what is really in store…and that is hard. I am still hesitant to by the maternity clothes that I am starting to need. I think I will just do it though. If it doesn’t work out, I will donate them to someone else who needs them. Anyway, that is the update. Fingers crossed that work will be okay.