So it is Saturday morning and I am sitting in bed, where I shall remain until Monday, as last night we rushed back to the ER with almost an identical scare that we had last week. Last Friday I stood up from sitting down, felt a pop and began gushing blood. This week I was standing up just putting some pork chops into freezer bags when I felt that same warm gush. I knew it right away. I went to the bathroom and there it was, a big rush of bright red blood. This time it started one hour earlier, and again 1 day after an IV iron infusion. So as I was in the bathroom I shouted, “Babe, throw the meat in the fridge and grab a phone charger…we need to go to the hospital again!” This time I was more angry than sad. I dropped a few F=bombs because I couldn’t f-ing believe this was happening again. I had even taken f-ing easy and didn’t push myself or anything. This time, I felt a little dizzy and just wanted to shut my eyes and pray that I was having a very vivd bad dream. I wasn’t.
We pulled up and did valet again. We did the wheelchair and rolled over to get checked in. This time we were taken to a room where they hooked me up to a heart monitor. The nurse looked at the screen with a questioning gaze. I then remembered, “I have a congenital left bundle branch block,” I explained as to the irregular looking rhythm. She agreed and then set about doing the IV. This time it only took three attempts. I knew I was in for it, so I just resigned myself to the fact it was going to hurt. I shut my eyes and breathed through it. Despite my attempt at being calm, my legs did start to shake again, maybe even more than before. It is very hard to use your reason to stay, “be calm it is best for you and the baby” when you can feel gushes of blood coming out and your instinct is screaming, “that is too much blood you are both going to die!” So that war played itself out in my shaking and sobbing. I also experience contraction like cramps as I remembered from my 2nd miscarriage which had that happen. There were only two really bad ones and that had me 100% convinced I was going down that road. At 16 weeks, I was so fearful that I was going experience what my aunt did when she lost a baby at that age. I still am. My aunt is long gone having passed away after losing her fight to multiple myeloma more than 20 years ago. She had 5 miscarriages before having my one and only cousin. She and I are very much alike in body build and even personality. I even look and sound identical to how she was – my mom, dad, and cousin catch themselves a little awed at times when I seem to come off as her. The reason I mention it is that I do worry I may go down the same road. She was diagnosed with her blood cancer at the end of her 30’s. My being iron deficient anemic always worries me as that is an early sign for that kind of cancer. I have a hematologist/oncologist who is aware of that family history and testing/watching that carefully. So far he attributes my anemia to very heavy periods. Anyway, there is just no comparing her medical woes to mine as we are indeed different and medicine has come a long, long way. I have great doctors and I am well educated with regards to my health history, issues, and concerns. So while I know that I am still in a state of “threatened miscarriage,” I do need to hold on to hope that this little dude can go the distance…if God so wills that for our lives.
So all of that was running through my head at the ER. They sent us for the ultrasound again. My husband sat near me, but also so that he could see the screen. The tech didn’t give anything away. He was all poker face. I stared at his face and at my husband’s for a clue. They just did a abdominal ultrasound. I guess it was clear that the baby was bouncing around. My husband could also read where the screen showed a heart beat of 152. So, once again, the little guy is hanging on. It is a miracle.
We were sent back to the ER room to finish my fluids and wait for the results of the ultrasound. Once again, my sister-in-law showed up and was there for the both of us. We had the World Series on and were hoping for a Cubs victory. While waiting I felt another few large gushes. My heart beat was thumping away in my chest and I felt short of breath. I am sure that it was just anxiety from the blood loss. The nurse came in and checked my heart rate. It was at 195! The doctor came in as she was setting up for an EKG, and explained that the voltage wasn’t set right for my Left Bundle Branch. They adjusted the monitor and suddenly things looked a little better. My heart was more between 95-105, which would still make sense given the anxiety. I used a bedpan twice as getting up wasn’t an option with so much blood still coming out. Both times, the bleeding was stirred up with the lifting and tilting of the pelvis. At around 8:30 we were released. As I was getting dressed I had another gush. I asked the nurse if this was considered normal as when I went home last week the bleeding had calmed down a lot more than what I was experiencing. She said that if I was bleeding through more than 1 maxi pad an hour I should come back. I looked at what was on the hospital bed and was certain that was quite a lot. I got dressed and we loaded into the car and headed home. When I got home I felt like I needed to change the pad and pee again. When I went to bathroom the hospital pad was pretty full. I was peeing and felt a blob of something come almost ready to come out. It is gross, but I caught the blob out of fear I was miscarrying. It was a huge, huge clot. I hadn’t seen one so big ever. It was a big as my entire palm of my hand. I called my husband to see it. He couldn’t believe it. I felt it. It was like jello almost with a dark red color throughout. When I pushed it harder little parts crumbled. I made sure that it was just all that and then flushed it away.
I put on a fresh pad and got all settled in bed. I watched the Cubs try to rally at the bottom of the 9th only to strand 2 runners and lose 0-1. Then I turned off the TV and tried to sleep. I had strange dreams. In one I was adopted by a gorilla family who wanted me to do all things gorilla and I was grossed out by their smell. They scared me, but at least I had a family. Then in another dream I was bleeding kept passing large clots that just got bigger and bigger. A fancy chef knocked at our door and asked me if he could buy my clots off of me as they are a delicacy. I was so grossed out. Then I had another quick dream where I was suffering frost bite and very cold. I woke up, went to the bathroom a few times and was still bleeding and passing smaller and smaller clots. By this morning, the bleeding was comparable to something that I might get near the end of my period. I am still cramping a bit, but things are better.
The husband made me breakfast in bed. Then we just rested and here I am updating. So we are still not out of the woods. The OB told me that bleeding at this point is a red flag. He will see where we are at, but there is a chance that I am still going to miscarry. There is a chance that I may have continued bleeding and still have the baby. It is crazy how there is absolutely no reassurance in this at all. I wish that I was one of the pregnant ladies who still go to work, workout, and take care of the house while their bump is cute and fun. I am not. I am high risk, immobilized, and on edge that things can go south at any moment. I want to be able to carve a pumpkin, answer the door for trick or treaters and enjoy this beautiful fall weekend. I will enjoy the fact that the baby is still there and do what needs to be done for him to continue to grow. I will update later when I know more. Thank you for reading all the way and for support. I feel for women who are also in limbo like this. I pray we all get to the end of our journey with hopes and prayers answered.