I am resting and waiting….hoping and praying. This past week I went back to work. I was doing okay and just dealing with discharge. Sorry, possible TMI coming here. Since the last big bleed on 10/29 I bled red until the following Tues. On 11/2 the discharge changed to “old blood brown/black” – even more black. I googled black discharge 2nd trimester and didn’t come up with a lot. It was just “old blood and probably fine”. I didn’t really worry about it until this past week when there seemed to be more and more of it. It was mostly black and then yesterday morning there were stringy clots. One clot was the size of a pea and the other the size of a marble. I went to work despite the increased discharge activity. While I was at work the discharge became tinged with pink. Then when I went to the bathroom a little before 3 p.m. there was red blood. It was like a full blown period. I of course freaked out. I was at work and supposed to be on the court at 3:30. I let people know that something wasn’t right. Then I called the doctor’s office. I left a message and then began to try and get my afternoon covered. It was nuts. I found someone to do the 3:30, but then the 3:30 didn’t show. I was on the phone with a nurse who was covering the phone and relaying info to the doc. She came back to the line and said the doctor wants to see me. So I booked the appointment for 5:30. The nurse suggested that I just take it easy at work until I needed to leave for the appointment so that I wasn’t moving around so much. That all made sense so I parked it at a desk and began to work. I could feel myself “leaking” but I had on a monster huge pad, so I just did the work thing.
I arranged for coverage on Friday. I was also able to talk to my boss when she got back. She was nice and said that she was sorry this was happening to me. I hope that things stay okay depending on how much I am really gone. So finally it was time to go. I drove over and headed up. I did my urine sample and was shocked when it was pretty much clear. I couldn’t believe that I had been so red and that by just sitting down from 3-5 things slowed down that much. I apologized to the nurse when I brought out my urine sample. I said, “I can’t believe how clear this is. It was all red before, I swear I am not the little boy who cried wolf.” She said don’t worry and then I got all set for the doctor to come in. The first thing the doctor did was listen for the heartbeat. Four was thumping away just fine and she found the heartbeat right away. I do want to get a doppler for home. Then she did a pelvic exam. I was again apologizing for the lack of bleeding when she stopped me. She said, “I can see blood. There is a lot here. It is almost black and there are a lot of clots. I am going to clean some of this out.” She got a long plier thing and put a little sponge on the end. She swept it all around and then said, “I see where it is coming from. It is coming out of your cervix. There is a lot in there. Let me do a little more.” She got another sponge and did another sweep. She again commented on how all she saw was black and nothing fresh. I mentioned how I always feel like I am leaking urine. She told me that it is not urine. It is secretions from the cervix. The cervix looks inflamed and irritated. She explained how there must be a lot of old blood pooled right above it and that can cause some of what she was seeing. She said it was still closed, which is great. She was just concerned by the amount of blood that was there.
Then she did an ultrasound. Thank God the scan was good. Four was looking fine in there. There appeared to be the proper amount of amniotic fluid and the placenta was all where it should be. Four was moving a little, but it wasn’t very clear. She said that she needs me to get another cervical measurement and then be on rest again until things settle down. She wrote me a doctor’s note to be off of work, then she worked on getting me an appointment to have the measurement. It was too late and many of the offices were closed. So I was all set and told that if I got any additional heavy bleeding that I was to call the emergency line and let her know.
I headed home and called my parents. I was crying a little because I am obviously worried on so many fronts. I am worried about Four making it. I am worried about my health. I am worried about my income (or the smaller amount it will be). I am worried about my husband having to do so much to take care of me for so long. It is all wearing me down. And I am so, so tired of seeing brown, black, pink, or red blood ALL THE TIME! It is so hard to not worry when it is there day after day.
I got home and told my husband all about the appointment and then broke down crying. I said, “I feel so useless.” I also added, “It is so hard to see that the baby is fine, so if anything goes wrong I know it is my body to blame. I am not a good vessel for him.” These were true true statements. This is why it is so hard because the road is still very long and there are many more threats ahead. But, I do need to stay positive. I am praying a lot. I touch my belly and try to imagine that I can feel him in there. I still can’t…but sometimes I think I can even though I am certain it is nothing. I will just go back to thinking about things one day at a time. I will also try to rest more and really drink the H2O. Right now I am watching the fall scene outside. There are birds, chipmunks, and squirrels everywhere. The leaves are almost all down. It is really pretty. The cat is snuggled in a blanket. So that is the update. Hopefully the cervical measurement will be good and then that irritation will calm down.