60 days of bleeding and still no answers

Since the OB appointment on Thursday night I have been waiting on an appointment with the Maternal Fetal Medicine specialist.  I guess we are looking at my cervix…again.  Now I am not sure if the issue is my placenta or cervix or both.  Man, the stress is getting to me. Not only could I not get in on Friday, but now I am hanging out waiting to see if I can get in today.  I wonder if that will happen and if my body can continue to wait through this.

I am still oozing black discharge…still.  This will be my 60th day where some type of blood is coming out of me.  60 days!!!  That first subchorionic hemorrhage happened on Sept 16th.  Since then I had two more hemorrhages for 3 total trips to the ER.  If I was wasn’t doing something as terrifying as that, I have needed to wear a maxi pad for old blood or pink bloody discharge.  This past week the old blood discharge has really picked up the intensity and even included some clots.  This is all so alarming.  My nerves are shot despite my best attempts to calm myself.  I am having nightmares where I am hemorrhaging.  I wake up and worry I will be in a puddle, but it is just the same ole discharge.  I have been to doctors like crazy and it always comes back to, “some women bleed throughout their pregnancy.”  I get it…there is nothing to do and that is what is so entirely frustrating going on day 60 of this mysterious bleeding through pregnancy thing.

The thing is I worry I have done something.  Did I bring this on myself?  I am also becoming increasingly aware that my anxiety has crossed from passing to constant.  I am not feeling like I want to get therapy though because that would be another appointment and I just don’t want to go down that road right now and spend that extra money that I am not making as I sit at home on bedrest.  I need to continue to get through one day at a time and pray my ass off.

I wish that I could feel the baby move so that I had some kind of feedback loop in place.  I swear that I don’t look pregnant at all.  Here I am 18 weeks and I look the same and still weigh the same – I even lost weight for a while there.  I know that being heavy to start makes showing something that I have to wait longer to see, but I just don’t feel/look pregnant…and that just fuels my fears that something is wrong.  I think I will pause here and then wait to see what I hear from the doctors as to when I will get in.  I am hopeful that things will still scan normal and the blood is just random blood that is not impacting anything…other than my mental state.

Just got the appointment scheduled….tomorrow.  I guess that I am not in such bad shape that I need to be in asap.  So, another day of rest and trying to not worry.


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