Hello 2017

Hey Four!

Today is January 2nd!  We are so excited that we are now in your birth year!  It is feeling more and more real now – especially when I can feel you squirm and kick!  Those are my favorite moments in the day.  I know that we still have a little over 3 months left, but I am just so happy to know you are there, getting bigger and moving around.

So now that it is 2017 I will do this little tradition that I used to do all the time.  Take stock.  I usually do this with a letter to myself, but today, it will be to you.

My little baby boy to be.  I have been praying so hard for you for so long.  A year ago at this time your dad and I were pregnant and didn’t even know it yet.  We had met with our fertility specialist twice already and before we could start that journey, we had a positive test.  We were both so very excited and terrified too.  The very first entry in the momzstory blog is about the day I told him about that test.  Those test sticks had been a monthly torture for me for so long I can’t even begin to try to express it.  Other women in my shoes would get it.  There is hope, fear, and disappointment all brewing there in those two minutes of waiting.  There were the countless ones that I tossed month after month of trying.  Then, finally, in January last year, after tracking my temps, we had the positive one.  And, very soon after that test, we had the sad news of miscarrying, which happened just days after your dad’s birthday.  For February, we were under the supervision of the fertility clinic.  This meant blood tests like crazy and the follow up procedures that checked to make sure that my girl parts were okay after the miscarriage.  Your dad and I used our time following that trial to be close which brings me to one of my favorite memories: our weekend at The Herrington Inn.  Even though I grew up with that place in my backyard, it was an all-new adventure for me as it was so romantic and I just enjoyed each tender moment with your loving father.  It was the perfect weekend for restoring myself.

March and April were full of more pregnancy struggles.  We rolled the dice on trying a natural conception – which worked.  So once again the little stick showed that positive result, even though there was nothing positive that followed.  We were pregnant longer, but on my birthday I suffered the second miscarriage.  It was incredibly painful and your dad was there with me when we went to the doctor to have that loss confirmed and the expelled tissue examined.  The cause: chromosomal abnormalities.  Given that I was now 42, we got aggressive and began the IVF journey.

First we had to do the same follow up to make sure my body was okay following the loss.  Then we also had to do a lot of additional testing.  Anyone who has traveled the road of IVF knows that nothing is easy and it requires a lot of day in and day out attention and effort.  The thing is, in retrospect, I got through it by tapping into some powerful resource of grace and endurance that I can’t claim as all my own.  The hyperstimulation and frightening side effects of that, the debilitating back pain and hives from the progesterone shots, the constant interventions for treating my anemia, and the waiting to see if the implantation was successful were all so intense and rather tough times.  However, we pushed through.  We sold a place, bought a place, packed, unpacked, and began a new chapter in our lives.  And, there I was sitting in your soon-to-be nursery when the fertility doctor’s office confirmed I was pregnant with you.

I had never cried like that…but I wept holding my 42 year old teddy bear just trying to push away the fear that came with news of being pregnant.  Again, couples who have gone through loss can understand how previous heartbreak can carry over into the new experience.  So even though we were worried, we were also hopeful because you were with us and with each check up you were doing fine.  So that kept me optimistic as we made it past points where we had a memory for comparison to new realms we had not experienced before.  Unfortunately, the three trips to the ER with the hemorrhages from the subchorionic hematoma were utterly terrifying.  Yet, through it all, you continued to grow and meet your various check ups as you should.  The issue of the SCH was all me, and thank goodness you seem to still be good despite those very scary fall months.  We are at 25 weeks now and so hopeful that you will have everything you need to cross the finish line.  We have awesome doctors who can take care of you and me.  We have amazing support and now your dad is preparing your room.  That was a big deal because with paint on the walls, baby clothes ready to be washed and put away, and your crib on the way, we are moving ahead and setting our fear aside as best we can.  Sure we are still always swirling with anxiety as we are first-timers and have come through a lot to get to a place where we felt safe enough to do all of the things we are doing now.  I am trying to imagine you and it is all still a little unreal for me.

I never imagined that I would be married.  Then I was blessed with your dad.  I never imagined I would have a lovely home in an amazing neighborhood.  Then we tripped across this house and it all fell together.  I never imagined that I could be a mom.  Then we worked through all of the steps of IVF and you are the miracle of that effort.

Our holidays have only reinforced what an absolute blessing my life is.  I continue to pray and I always take stock in what I have to be grateful for.  2016 was a crazy year, and one filled with struggles, but the last half of it was all about you…and the hope and the light that you have brought to our world is something that will now carry us into 2017.  Sure we know there will continue to be hard times we can’t anticipate, but through all of the challenges, I truly believe we are stronger and wiser.  There are times where I put my head on the pillow and can’t believe where my life is now.  I am just so blessed.  Four, I can’t wait for your arrival in this world where you too will experience these blessings and more.  Sure 2016 has had its ups and downs, but 2017 will be a year of so much change.  So hang in there kiddo, grow, and take the time you need to be ready for your first breath.

Tomorrow I have my 3 hour glucose test.  I also have a lot of work to get done at work before that.  I am not sure if I am going in today as I am just super exhausted.  I still wake up at three a.m. and stay awake until 5.  I am not sure why that has become a routine.  Fingers crossed that I do okay tomorrow.  Just one day at a time, right?

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