Monday we attended our first Prepared Childbirth Class. We were one of six couples, and your dad was quick to point out we were the oldest couple there. We learned about the different stages of labor and watched a video that showed a natural birth. The mom in the video did it with no drugs. Grandma J did that with me. Maybe I can do it too. We shall see. I also had a doctor’s appointment earlier that day and I wish that I could have had some more reassurance. I didn’t get an ultrasound so I still don’t know if you are in a good position or not. The doc told me you are still in a swimming around mode and it is too early to engage yet. I explained that I worry about squishing you or that I don’t feel your kicks above my navel. She said that is no big deal either. We talked about how I can’t feel you for a whole day sometimes and she said that I should be getting something each day no matter what. I have started to track kick counts with an app on the phone now. I mentioned that I get zap sensations that only last a second and she said that was probably just a nerve. We talked about the TDAP shot and I got mine that day. Your grandparents are getting it and your dad will eventually. I still need to get Aunt D to do one too. We talked about my insomnia and she said I could do a Unisom. I have yet to try that. Right now, I want to stay as drug-free as possible, I will still use warm milk. We talked about my weight gain, which is at 17 pounds now. She doesn’t want me to gain more than 25 if that can be managed. She wants me to cut back carbs and up the veggies. Then we talked about how the OB and MFM team wants to induce at 39 weeks due to my age. So, your birthday will be April 10th or earlier. If week 39 gets here, we will induce since older moms‘ placentas tend to get more unreliable further into the third trimester. So it is cool to know that your arrival is before Easter. You will be our little Spring miracle!
Since I last wrote in here, our country continues to be a mess. The who tornado of change is simply one nightmare unfolding into another with no hope for waking up. The travel ban is still in flux. The pipeline is back under construction. The VP broke a tied vote on DeVos and pushed through a cabinet member who has no credentials for being in charge of education. A democratic senator was banned from protesting another cabinet nominee and went rogue to get her message out despite the nominee having the votes to push him through too. The tweets continue to ramble. Countries around the world continue to make fun of our mess. And I can’t help but believe we are in a dismal spiral that the people who brought this all on still can not see, which is what is even more terrifying. Despite the blatant and obvious disaster that these past three weeks of American government has been, the supporters still see this as a positive. I see it as a looming apocalypse. How can there be such a sharp divide in perceived reality? I just don’t understand and since I fail to empathize with the other view, how can I expect them to come around either? It is a gaping rift and I feel the pain of it each day. Even watching the news requires us to prepare and then process what we see. It is just all so sad and so out of control. Our backyard neighbor is still fighting the fight. I am so grateful for her resolve. She seems to have a force field around her, which so many other people are wearing down from the constant onslaught of bad news and one disaster after another. A psychologist described it as a shock effect. If we are bombarded enough with the shock of such chaos, we will become numb to it and then this crazy administration can push through whatever else they want as we will all be worn out zombies unable to muster any more strength to resist.
So today I want to talk about something hard: disappointment. There are certainly going to be so many wonderful moments in your life and that is what we all live for. However, with all rainbows there is also the rain. This is the tough stuff. I remember when your Cousin E was little and always a pretty happy baby. I would be holding her and probably making her giggle and smile and it tore me up to think that at some point there would be some outside source that would make her sad. Obviously adults want to protect their little ones from these moments of let down, but the let down can also be a very powerful learning tool too. That is easier to type than to experience.
The other day I saw disappointment creep across your dad’s face. It was only for a moment, but I did see it there. The thing is your dad works very hard and has a certain level of expectations that he holds himself and others to…just common sense and basic decency stuff. He wants to realize his potential and see his efforts recognized and hopefully eventually rewarded. So, in a moment where he might have received just such recognition, he didn’t. I saw it wash over him and as we were leaving the event, I looked at him and my heart broke a little. Your dad is a very decent man. But he is shy, soft spoken (most times), and doesn’t seek the spotlight. Just the attention we received with our wedding day was almost too much for him to endure. Disappointment can really hurt and there is no avoiding it. It can also range from something little to something major. So how can you move on from it? Time certainly helps. I know that I used time as a means to get over hurt. I also write. When I write my way through emotional hardships, I feel like they are out of me somehow. If you need to talk it through, talk. I like to think that I have people I can talk to about anything, so that is good. I hope that you will feel like you can talk to me and your dad when you need to have someone just listen. My listening ability has improved as I have aged. I also console myself by scooping up a cat and snuggling it…in this case Mittens is perfect for that as he is already very accustomed to be held in a bear hug. I think he actually likes it. He is a great comfort kitty. I can look for the silver lining in things. Sometimes we want things so much that we can’t see other things that are there too. There are a lot of other things that I do to get through disappointment, but the thing is you have to feel it. It happens and it sucks, but it is a part of life. Having gone through disappointment makes having a hope realized all that much sweeter. The heart-wrenching disappointments we went through to get to you is proof of that.
I am feeling you kicking a lot right now. Thanks. I also know I need to stop writing and get a big glass of water. I am trying to take it easy because I am so dang tired lately. I know it is my age, weight, and general health that has me feeling so beat. So, I am wrapping up here and I just keep on hoping that you are okay in there. I want you to be healthy and comfy and growing as you should. Take care kiddo!