38 weeks now…the last full week

Hey Four!

Today we are beginning the last stretch before you get here.  Maybe you will decide to beat the deadline of Monday 4/10 6 p.m.  I think we are still seeing the early start of such pre-labor action.  I have been experiencing those menstrual like cramps, mostly at night, along with a little back pain. However, it is nothing that I can time.  I have been super tired too, which isn’t really different from any other day lately, but today I have been a trembly tired at times.  I am still using the exercise ball to just sit differently.  I don’t know where time went today.  I just can’t believe how wiped out I am.  Today I decided I am ready…I will miss being pregnant as it is something that I doubt we will do again, mostly for age (but other reasons too).  Therefore, I hope that I have captured the experience as much as possible.  I will probably write more about that soon.  I do think that you are coming soon, even if it is in 1 week now.  I will miss feeling you moving inside of me.  That is such a special sensation and one that always reassured me when I would be waiting with worry for a sign that your are okay.  You had another NST today.  Thankfully you were active for that one, unlike the last one.  I think my taking a bite from a Snickers about 15 minutes before they started the test helped.  I had also hoped that my uterus would have decided to wake up.  No luck, it was one long, flat line like the last time too.  I am hopeful that things are getting ready as I certainly feel more cramps throughout all different times of the day.  So that is the symptom update, although as I sit here, I think I feel some more cramping and maybe even a little leaking.  It is hard to know what is what at times.  I was told that I could have some tinged discharge following the cervical check.  I was still a fingertip dilated and you are still up there.  The doc said that even if much doesn’t change between now and next week, we will still go ahead with the induction and hope for the best.

Your Aunt A and cousins came over Saturday.  We hung out at the house and your cousins all love your nursery.  Aunt A thinks we are all set.  After being at the house a bit, we all went to McD’s to have a late lunch and let your cousins play at the playplace.  It is a big three level tree thing.  They love going there.  It was pretty crowded, but most of the kids seemed to be fine.  There was a boy who made friends with M and B right away.  He shared his Happy Meal toys with them and was a smiling, social kid who talked to Aunt A and me too.  I was taken in with his sweet and friendly nature.  There was another little boy there with his grandma.  This little boy was so incredibly cherubic.  He didn’t really socialize with any of the other kids.  He was around their age, but he seemed to be more in his own world.  He wasn’t longing for interaction, just the energy of the scene was enough for him.  They have these rubber mats around the play area and he would stand in the middle and with his arms outstretched spin around in a circle until he would fall down.  He would laugh and look over at his grandma who was sitting calmly watching him.  He would do that again and again.  I couldn’t get over the smile he had, it was pure joy.  He would go back over by his grandma from time to time and just lean in on her.  It was just so lovely.  He represented innocence and that has stuck with me for a while.

The thing about being a little boy like that is that innocence is this amazing thing to witness.  I am not sure, at soon-to-be 43 years old what is left in my world that I am innocent about anymore.  I think my lack of experiencing anything from White Castle might be an example, but not a good one.  When you are a little kid, hanging out with your grandma on a Saturday afternoon, life is pretty good.  Maybe the boy was five or six.  Even at that age, he is still innocent.  I hope that he hasn’t experienced too many struggles yet, and so the world is still a place where people are friendly and supportive.  Your cousin E has started to experience the girl drama that comes with being a nine year old.  She has issues where different girls she has as friends are jealous of one another and they have started writing notes.  Now she has to experience having her feelings hurt because of “friends’” insecurities and social aspirations.  Add to that there are boys with crushes on her and man, her whole school experience is changing incredibly fast.  She is still a really sweet girl and I totally enjoy spending time with her when I can.  I just remember a time when she was like the spinning boy wrapped in sheer joy.  Now she has wheels spinning in her brain as she recounts all of the issues that are clearly weighing on her with regards to friends.  That innocence is being replaced with the complexity of reality.  A child soon sees that friends can be fun and can hurt your feelings.  A person has the capacity for both good and bad actions.  Her trust in a peer has been tested.  She has been let down.  It shows in her eyes, and that is a different look…that look that all grown ups end up with.

So that is why seeing that moment with the boy was so powerful.  I am suddenly acutely aware of how many moments you will experience that are examples of such joy.  I continue to pray that you will be healthy.  That is my main priority, but then I pray that your dad and I will be good parents.  I think that a lot of your early moments are completely dependent on us being good examples of love, happiness, kindness, and decency.  I want you to have that rose-colored view of the world for at least a little while.  You will have your whole life to learn how to exist in the real world where life will be hard at times.  I hope we can create moments where you are just a very happy little one.  Sure you will cry, and I know we will have to enforce tough love as a part of discipline too, but I am just so eager to see your big, bright smile.  Well, it is time for me to do a little housework and get something in mind for dinner.  I am glad that you are looking good to go.  The test and appointment today was reassuring.  We go back on Friday and then that is it until Monday night when we start taking steps to get you out here!

It is crazy, right?  Just one more week, if not sooner.  I remember being excited for my wedding day, but your dad and I were already living together, so being married wasn’t that huge of a shift for us.  I changed my last name and we did a lot of paperwork.  This coming Monday will be a huge shift for your dad and me.  We are both filled with anticipation for this big event!  Our lives will be completely different and we look forward to all of the memories we will have because of you!  So keep growing and get into that ideal birth position!  We can do it together!


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