Inconclusive, but not looking good

Friday was Ultrasound #2.  The plan was to see the gestational sac, yolk sac, fetal pole, and fetal heartbeat.  The first two showed up, the last two didn’t.  The sonographer searched for a while, moving the wand around and saying, “I’m not able to visualize it.”  My heart was sinking.  The gestational sac was measuring two days less than it should have too.  She said to not worry as things may be moving at a different pace and to talk to the nurse.  Her demeanor, as well as the nurse’s, really spoke so much more though.  It was frought with sadness and disappointment.  It only reaffirms my concerns that I’m just not feeling pregnant.  My breasts are tender at times, but that is it.  I still haven’t had any spotting or bleeding, but things just don’t feel right.  If that ultrasound had been different, if it had been “normal” I’d be so much more optimistic.  Right now, I’ve cried and I’ve already started to make my peace with what appears to be impending bad news.

Having already had a miscarriage, this seems all too familiar.  My body and the pregnancy are not in harmony.  My heart is breaking because I had already started to really believe that this was going to be our miracle.  I thought that we were going to be spared from the costs and efforts that IVF requires, and somehow I’d be a mom with the simplicity of a natural conception.  And conceive naturally we did.  Just like before.  And just like before, the fetus isn’t developing.

On the previous Tuesday we had our re-consult with the doctor.  It was a strange meeting.  He didn’t really give us much information.  He said that the 1st ultrasound looked good and to just see how it goes.  He added that we may have trouble jumping right into IVF if our insurance wants us to do other less costly methods first.  I asked questions about “what if this pregnancy doesn’t work out” this and that.  I asked about doing additional HCG and progesterone tests.  I asked about progesterone supplements.  I asked about trying to assess the cause for a failed pregnancy….and I probably asked more questions.  I had a bunch typed up on my phone’s notes.  My husband just sat quietly, even when I joked about the results of his genetic super panel showing that he is 100% perfect.  We left the meeting in a sort of stupor.  There wasn’t really any news to be gained and we didn’t really have a plan as it seemed we would just progress with this natural pregnancy.  The husband was even, dare I say, happy.  I think that he was really starting to sense this was going to happen.  And that just makes the “inconclusive” experience of Friday so much harder to swallow now.  I was really trying to remain cautiously optimistic, but in that moment Tuesday evening when we left the doctor’s appointment, everything seemed so full of potential.  Not now.  Not at all.

I know we don’t have the official word on things right now.  Maybe, maybe a miracle will still happen and something will be there on the next ultrasound.  My HCG levels were 3082 today, which is low, but not out of the range of possibility.  I still feel nothing, maybe an occasional cramp at times, but nothing like the migraines, cramping, and misery of the January miscarriage.

So now we are waiting for Wednesday.  Maybe Wednesday we will know more.  I hope we have good news, but I’m prepared for what will be more realistic…a blighted ovum.

Soon I’ll have to edit this blog’s subtitle from 41 to 42 and trying….my birthday is coming up soon.  I’ll be 42 and I just wish that we were in a better place for it.  In the meantime, I’ll pray and I’ll keep popping all the vitamins…and I’ll pray some more.